The Power of Letting Go: A Simple Strategy for Managing Life's Frustrations

Having been through decades of therapy, I sometimes think I know it all. That is, my toolbox of emotional regulation, stress management, and self-development tools is the size of a mid-size SUV. But having insight and knowledge doesn't always translate into action. Bridging the gap between knowing and doing often feels like crossing an impassable chasm. That's why I'm continually amazed by the effectiveness of one simple trick—it almost feels too good to be true.

Over the years, I've explored the teachings of Buddhism and Stoicism. Many of their principles resonate deeply with me. For example, Buddhism draws a clear distinction between pain and suffering. While pain is inevitable in life, suffering is seen as optional.

This concept has been a struggle for me. Even when I can detach from my thoughts and discern where facts end and my opinions begin, the tendency to hold onto grievances persists. For instance, whenever I'm driving on the highway and encounter others who don't adhere to the "keep right unless passing" rule, I find myself seething with frustration. Instead of simply accepting this as a minor inconvenience, I indulge in self-righteous anger. I've even entertained fantasies of creating a laminated sign to educate fellow drivers. This dwelling in irritation is what Buddhism calls suffering.

This principle of Buddhism complements one of the core practices of Stoicism—differentiating between what is within and outside our control.

“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control.

—Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4–5

Stoics assert that most situations and conditions lie beyond our control—the past, our genetics, the weather, others' driving habits, etc. What we can control are our feelings, thoughts, and opinions. Accepting that our opinions, though deeply ingrained, are ultimately arbitrary and adjustable can be challenging.

It's intriguing how humans often seek to control their environments to alleviate anxiety, yet letting go of control often brings immediate relief. When I feel frustration or sadness creeping in, I've started asking myself, "Is this something I can control?" Instead of immediately trying to shape the situation to fit my expectations, which often proves futile, I focus on what I can control—for instance, changing lanes and passing on the right (deployment of side eye optional).

While I'm not always successful, this simple question has spared me from countless episodes of suffering lately. Sometimes there's a moment of confusion, questioning whether I can indeed control the situation. Or perhaps I'm too worked up to remember the question. As I often say, anger management techniques are most effective when you're not angry. But with practice, progress is possible, and effective techniques become easier to employ. Give it a try—hopefully, you'll find it as valuable as I have.

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