Start Getting What You Want
Time and again, I hear clients bemoan their spouse’s lack of help around the house. I’d be lying if I said this hasn’t come up under my roof a time or two. When I suggest to clients that they write out a list of items they’d like their partner to help with, I often get the same response: “I’m busy. I shouldn’t have to write a list. I want them to see what needs to be done and do it.” While this mentality certainly makes sense, it also feels a bit shooting yourself in the foot-ish. In my case, that would require a Sherlock Holmesian attention to housework detail that my husband doesn’t possess and cares very little about developing. In my home, I alone notice dusty baseboards. I’ve come to peace with that, along with the deep understanding that if I want the cabinets wiped down, I’ll need to do it myself or ask for help—specific help.
The further I get into Marshall Rosenberg’s incredible book, Nonviolent Communication, the more I wonder how much differently my life and relationships could’ve been if I’d read it earlier. More than once, I’ve been gobsmacked his novel and groundbreaking observations (the book was published in 1999). I’ve often found myself exclaiming, “Exactly!” when he makes a brilliant point about something that should’ve been painfully obvious. For example, Dr. Rosenberg points out how vague entreaties don’t always get us the desired result. It’s like begging Lassie to, “Get Help!” and he ends up on a psychoanalyst’s couch.
Rather than shaping our behavior with the negative, as we so often do, Dr. Rosenberg suggests we utilize positive, specific action items. Let’s see what this might look like in action. Right now, you might feel as if you’re drinking too much alcohol. One of your goals for the new year might be to “drink less.” First off, you’d specifically define what that means for you. But that isn’t all.
If your goal is to drink less and you go out with friends, you might find yourself falling back into old patterns because you haven’t nailed down an alternative. “Drinking less” is a negative action, so it’s important to define the corresponding positive action. This might look like, “I would like to only have one drink per sitting.” What’s something positive you might like to do instead? Drink more water? Be more focused on connecting with your friends than on drinking? Eat more desserts? Now you have something tangible to work with and a plan of action.
Bringing this back to getting your needs met by others, it begins to make sense that being as specific and clear as possible will be the shortest route to success. So, while making a list for your partner may not seem like the wisest use of your time, it will likely save you much more time in the long run. I can almost guarantee that making one list of chores and asking your partner to check it is far more effective than sulking around muttering, “I guess I’m the only one around here who notices when the grout needs to be scrubbed with a toothbrush.”
